684 replies to this topic

[Ormes]

I took the missus out for a romantic meal last night and we started playing footsie under the table. I had the steak, she got toed in the hole.

 

 

Last night, after we made love my wife said “wow that took you a long time’. I said “yes, I couldn’t think of anyone.”

 

Good work

[hairy]

My wife's sleeping with a huge smile on her face ... I love felt tip pens.

[hairy]

If you had the chance of staying with your wife or winning the lottery, what type of car would you buy first ?

[hairy]

My computer crashed at work and then all the other computers slowed down so they could see what was happening...

[hairy]

I took my Granddad to one of those Spas where they have the little fish that will nibble away any dead skin ... it cost over £100 but it was cheaper than a funeral.

[hairy]

I put all my dogging equipment on ebay today ...  so far I've got 12 watchers

[hairy]

I've just bought one of those new Jehovah's Witness advent calendars ... every day you open a door, someone standing behind it tells you to fcuk off.

[hairy]

Do NOT drink and wrap presents. Also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm going to need that back!

[hairy]

I just had a dump and ran out of toilet paper so had to do that trousers-round-the-ankles waddle to get some more. Bit embarrassing, but I'm nearly at Tesco's now.

[Alpha Tango]

Apparently you can't use "beef stew" as a password, it's not stroganoff !

[oblomov]

There's only two things that taste of fish and one of them's fish.

[hairy]

There are still six weeks to go to Pancake Day and already the shops have eggs, flour and milk for sale!

[Alpha Tango]

I used to live a stones throw away from a family who all died of mysterious head injuries !

Edited by Alpha Tango, 24 January 2020 - 09:45 PM.

[Baron Von Scubadaddy]

6 years ago today my wife ran off with my best friend.

 

 

I still miss him...

[Alpha Tango]

Over a month ago I sent both my hearing aids off for repair, 

I've heard nothing since !

[Alpha Tango]

A lorry has just shed it's load of snooker equipment along the M62, 

The Police say there are cue's for miles.

[hairy]

My wife said I could eat the left overs in the fridge ... I nearly froze to death.

[hairy]

My wife screeched, “you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" ... What a strange way to start a conversation with me...

[oblomov]

Had to take my wife to the doctors about her Tourettes syndrome.   Turns out I really am a c*nt and she really does want me to fcuck off.

[hairy]

The World Health Organisation has just released information that women between 17 and 55 can prevent coronavirus by having sex with older guys with beards.

ETA
Sorry, due to panic buying this will be limited to 5 a day!