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One Liners :lol:

Started by Nelly Vx , Oct 09 2012 10:02 PM

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684 replies to this topic

#601 hairy

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Posted 12 March 2020 - 09:20 PM

Some people aren’t shaking hands because of the Coronavirus. I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.


#602 hairy

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Posted 12 March 2020 - 09:28 PM

Mummy, when is this coronavirus thing going to finish? ... Shut up and eat your toilet paper!


#603 hairy

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Posted 15 March 2020 - 09:22 AM

With all the football suspended I decided to talk to the wife for once ... it turns out she's been made redundant from Woolworth's.


#604 SteveA

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Posted 15 March 2020 - 12:58 PM

With all the panic buying of hand sanitiser I bet the guy who invented it is rubbing his hands together right now.

#605 Ivor

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    and now bees

Posted 20 March 2020 - 10:08 AM

John Lennon airport has been placed in total quarantine due to Covid19....
Imagine all the People.....

#606 hairy

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Posted 22 March 2020 - 03:22 PM

Customs officials at Dover have discovered ten tons of toilet roll hidden inside cocaine.


#607 casino

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Posted 22 March 2020 - 04:34 PM

I think China should re start work on their Great Wall. 


#608 hairy

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Posted 25 March 2020 - 05:50 PM

After years of wanting to redecorate my house, but not having the time, this week I discovered that wasn't the reason after all.


#609 hairy

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Posted 26 March 2020 - 07:28 PM

Just a reminder, clocks go forward at the weekend so we'll all have an extra hour indoors.


#610 hairy

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Posted 23 April 2020 - 08:42 PM

My wife said: If you're bored why don't you make a bird table? Now she's in a huff with me 'cos I put her in 5th place!


#611 hairy

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Posted 25 April 2020 - 01:31 PM

Congratulations to Hugh Zapritti Boyden on his new role as chairman of the British Budgerigar Association


#612 hairy

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Posted 03 May 2020 - 04:31 PM

Tetleys say the best way to make a good cup of tea is to use boiling water and agitate the bag.So every morning, I pull the covers off, slap her arse and shout "two sugars fatty!"


#613 hairy

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Posted 12 May 2020 - 03:59 PM

ibFzuFqW.jpg


 

#614 hairy

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Posted 13 May 2020 - 06:24 PM

The other day I spotted an albino dalmatian ... it's the least I could do for him.


#615 hairy

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Posted 27 May 2020 - 05:56 PM

I’ve just swapped my white transit van for a pink one ... I wanted a camper van


#616 hairy

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Posted 14 June 2020 - 02:29 PM

Had a painter and decorator round - he's a currently furloughed BA pilot ... made a lovely job of the landing.


#617 hairy

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Posted 19 June 2020 - 04:57 PM

My wife told me that there will be clapping for Dame Vera Lynn ... don't know where, don't know when.


#618 SteveA

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Posted 29 June 2020 - 06:44 PM

The actor Yul Brenner was a lifelong Liverpool Football Club fan. Even though he shaved his head regularly he never used aftershave. Yul never wore cologne.

#619 hairy

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Posted 30 June 2020 - 06:20 PM

My friend told me he failed his Aboriginal music exam last month ... I asked "Did you redo it?"


#620 hairy

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Posted 02 July 2020 - 04:50 PM

As Bernie Ecclestone becomes a dad at the age of 89, experts ponder if he used a hard compound to achieve pole position...


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