My old school was sponsored by IKEA ... assembly usually took ages.
One Liners :lol:
Posted 18 December 2020 - 08:21 PM
Douglas Engelbart, the inventor of the mouse was a genius ... to know men needed one hand free on the computer.
Posted 20 December 2020 - 08:39 PM
My missus wanted something with diamonds for Christmas ... so I've got her a pack of playing cards.
Posted 23 December 2020 - 04:39 PM
Posted 24 December 2020 - 05:41 PM
I phoned the council today and asked if I could have a skip outside my house ... they said we don't give a fk if you do cartwheels.
Posted 01 January 2021 - 10:39 PM
First amazing fact of 2021, today was the hottest day of the year!
Posted 05 January 2021 - 06:55 PM
Do your glasses steam up when wearing a face covering? You could be entitled to condensation!
Posted 07 January 2021 - 06:45 PM
I used my Tesco Clubcard to scrape the ice off the windscreen this morning, but it only got 10% off.
Posted 10 January 2021 - 05:59 PM
I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman, it's very rewarding but quite challenging - it took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
Posted 12 January 2021 - 04:54 PM
I will never forget the day I got married ... I've tried everything: drugs, alcohol, even hypnosis!
Posted 14 January 2021 - 05:47 PM
I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want any children ... unfortunately when I got home, they were still there.
Edited by hairy, 14 January 2021 - 05:48 PM.
Posted 15 January 2021 - 01:22 PM
Two years ago, my friend came running out shouting “it’s a boy” with tears streaming down his face ... we never went back to Thailand.
Posted 23 January 2021 - 10:16 AM
I just tested negative for the Brazilian Coronavirus strain.......that was a close shave......
Posted 25 January 2021 - 05:29 PM
News on shortage of covid vaccine in US - Pfizer chiefs say they "predict a riot"
Edited by hairy, 25 January 2021 - 05:29 PM.
Posted 28 January 2021 - 04:58 PM
My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner ... so I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!
Posted 30 January 2021 - 05:57 PM
My wife asked me what would stop the stairs from creaking? Apparently Slimming World was not the right answer!
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