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#681 hairy

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Posted 11 July 2021 - 08:01 PM

My girlfriend's dog died, but I managed to find her an identical one. She was livid - "What the bleeding hell am I going to do with two dead dogs"?



#682 hairy

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Posted 25 July 2021 - 09:48 AM

The inventor of auto-correct has died ... his funnel is tomato.



#683 hairy

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Posted 22 August 2021 - 05:14 PM

When my mate found out they had a cure for dyslexia he said it was like music to his arse.


#684 hairy

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Posted 22 August 2021 - 07:02 PM

I had a happy childhood, my dad used to put me inside old tyres and roll me down hills -  those were good years.



#685 Gadget2

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Posted 23 August 2021 - 07:39 PM


Today I slipped on a banana skin............Then I took it off because it looked ridiculous!

#686 Gadget2

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Posted 06 September 2021 - 06:11 AM

I took two vigra tablets instead of my sleeping pills.....................I've been up all night!



#687 hairy

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Posted 09 October 2021 - 04:25 PM

I've just been watching a documentary about sponges ... it was very absorbing.



#688 hairy

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Posted 15 October 2021 - 05:54 PM

Tried calling the tinnitus hotline ... no answer ... just kept ringing.



#689 hairy

hairy

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Posted 16 October 2021 - 01:54 PM

My wife asked if I would like one of those things that tests your blood pressure for Christmas? I replied “No way is your mum coming for dinner again."


Edited by hairy, 16 October 2021 - 01:54 PM.


#690 hairy

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Posted 18 October 2021 - 05:06 PM

I pulled a couple of stunners in Bangkok, took them back to my place and realised I'd hit the jackpot. We had 6 matching balls!!!



#691 Ivor

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Posted 18 October 2021 - 10:57 PM

I pulled a couple of stunners in Bangkok, took them back to my place and realised I'd hit the jackpot. We had 6 matching balls!!!

I think you've posted that one before...

#692 hairy

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Posted 19 October 2021 - 03:58 PM

I've bought my lady some crotchless knickers as a treat for Halloween ... nothing sexual, just so she can get a better grip on her broomstick.



#693 Ivor

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    and now bees

Posted 19 October 2021 - 06:28 PM

I've bought my lady some crotchless knickers as a treat for Halloween ... nothing sexual, just so she can get a better grip on her broomstick.

Now that, my friend, is truly funny, possibly the funniest uet

#694 smiley

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Posted 21 October 2021 - 12:21 PM

My urge to sing "the lion sleeps tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away.



#695 hairy

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Posted 27 October 2021 - 03:41 PM

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver ...  I can safely say I turned a few heads.



#696 casino

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Posted 27 October 2021 - 08:31 PM

The satnav said leave the roundabout at the first exit. That’s where it is if you need it. 



#697 hairy

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Posted 03 November 2021 - 05:52 PM

I bought my 3 year old nephew a jigsaw for his birthday ... imagine our surprise when we found he’d managed to plug it in and cut three of his fingers off.



#698 hairy

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Posted 04 November 2021 - 05:40 PM

My wife has a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh ... if I put my ear on it I can smell the sea!



#699 hairy

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Posted 06 November 2021 - 06:32 PM

I thought I would be a gentleman and hold a door open for a young lady ... she said "Do you mind, I'm having a sh!t".



#700 hairy

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Posted 12 November 2021 - 06:05 PM

Some burglars stole 24 crates of Red Bull from our local shop ... I don't know how they sleep at night.






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