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Joke

Started by westie , Nov 28 2012 01:00 PM

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39 replies to this topic

#1 westie

Super Duper Member

588 posts

Gender:Male
Location:Bournemouth
Interests:Spending money on the car, Winding up the wife, Pickled onion monster munch, Terraforming.

Posted 28 November 2012 - 01:00 PM

The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.
One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked his congregation,
"Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up!
"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up !

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#2 redvts

Billy No Mates

1,472 posts

Gender:Male
Location:south shields

Posted 28 November 2012 - 03:00 PM

But was it a German goat, thats the question

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#3 Rickwoo118

Scary Internerd

5,800 posts

Gender:Male
Location:Stamford

Posted 28 November 2012 - 05:29 PM

Nice one. Ha ha ha.

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#4 Silent Steve

Tit

2,000 posts

Gender:Male
Location:Essex

Posted 28 November 2012 - 05:52 PM

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#5 hairy

Moonlander

6,046 posts

Gender:Male
Location:Bristol
Interests:cars, beer, nature

Posted 29 November 2012 - 08:12 PM

I was driving down the M4 in mid November ( going a little faster than I should ). I passed under a bridge only to see a police officer on the other side with a radar-gun. He pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk asked "Runway too short?" To which I replied "I'm late for an appointment ". " So, what do you do for a living?" he enquired. " I'm a Rectum-stretcher ". " What the hell does a Rectum-stretcher do?" "Well," I said, " I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four. Then my whole hand in, working it side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the opening until its about 6 feet". Questioningly and cautiously the officer asked " And just what do you do with a six foot a***hole?" " You give him a radar gun and get him to park behind a bridge ".

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#6 ghand

Drunken lampposts only

9,215 posts

Gender:Male
Location:St helens merseyside
Interests:Whisky.Keeping reptiles.Cars.
The odd bike ride, fell walk and weights
Oh and more whisky

Posted 03 December 2012 - 04:45 PM

Paddy rushes his pregnant wife into the maternity ward as she enters labour. " how dilated is she" the nurse asks. Paddy says "Aah Jaysus ....... She's over the fcukin moon ! "

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#7 ghand

Drunken lampposts only

9,215 posts

Gender:Male
Location:St helens merseyside
Interests:Whisky.Keeping reptiles.Cars.
The odd bike ride, fell walk and weights
Oh and more whisky

Posted 03 December 2012 - 04:51 PM

The doctor has put my wife on some new pills and now we can have sex every night , it doesn't matter what position we are in, nothing wakes her .....

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#8 ghand

Drunken lampposts only

9,215 posts

Gender:Male
Location:St helens merseyside
Interests:Whisky.Keeping reptiles.Cars.
The odd bike ride, fell walk and weights
Oh and more whisky

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:02 PM

The wife was trying to be sexy last night,laid on the bed sliding her lollypop in and out of her fanny and then licking it. "Steady on love " i said " you'll need that in the morning to see the kids across the road "

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#9 ghand

Drunken lampposts only

9,215 posts

Gender:Male
Location:St helens merseyside
Interests:Whisky.Keeping reptiles.Cars.
The odd bike ride, fell walk and weights
Oh and more whisky

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:09 PM

Paddy took 2 stuffed dog to the Antiques road show "Ooh" said the presenter " a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns brothers taxidermists who operated out of London at the turn of the century.Do you know what they would fetch if the were in good condition? " " Sticks " Paddy said

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#10 ghand

Drunken lampposts only

9,215 posts

Gender:Male
Location:St helens merseyside
Interests:Whisky.Keeping reptiles.Cars.
The odd bike ride, fell walk and weights
Oh and more whisky

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:13 PM

My misses wanted to see Jeremy Kyle live for her birthday So I shagged her sister............we're on in two weeks. !

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#11 ghand

Drunken lampposts only

9,215 posts

Gender:Male
Location:St helens merseyside
Interests:Whisky.Keeping reptiles.Cars.
The odd bike ride, fell walk and weights
Oh and more whisky

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:17 PM

Phone rings - woman answers A pervert with heavy breathing says " I bet you've got a tight arse with no hair " Woman answers " yes he's watching the football, who shall I says calling ? Ok Ok no more :lol:

(for now)

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#12 Rickwoo118

Scary Internerd

5,800 posts

Gender:Male
Location:Stamford

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:46 PM

My misses wanted to see Jeremy Kyle live for her birthday

So I shagged her sister............we're on in two weeks. !

These jokes are bad!!!!

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#13 Rickwoo118

Scary Internerd

5,800 posts

Gender:Male
Location:Stamford

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:47 PM

Phone rings - woman answers

A pervert with heavy breathing says " I bet you've got a tight arse with no hair "

Woman answers " yes he's watching the football, who shall I says calling ?

Ok Ok no more :lol:/> :lol:/>

(for now)

Like it!!!,

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#14 KurtVerbose

His Serene Highness

3,852 posts

Gender:Male
Location:Merlischachen
Interests:Big baps.

Posted 05 December 2012 - 09:15 PM

I'm going to stay up all night and find a cure for insomnia.

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#15 ghand

Drunken lampposts only

9,215 posts

Gender:Male
Location:St helens merseyside
Interests:Whisky.Keeping reptiles.Cars.
The odd bike ride, fell walk and weights
Oh and more whisky

Posted 05 December 2012 - 10:56 PM

Phone rings - woman answers

A pervert with heavy breathing says " I bet you've got a tight arse with no hair "

Woman answers " yes he's watching the football, who shall I says calling ?

Ok Ok no more :lol:/> :lol:/>

(for now)

Like it!!!,

What you like the Ok ok no more, well tough I can do worse :lol:

I was having sex with a woman and I asked her " would you mind if you have a go on top for a change if thats ok with you "

And she replied " you haven't raped anyone before have you " :lol:

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#16 Nelly Vx

3/3 Of a Queen

5,928 posts

Gender:Male
Location:north wales

Posted 05 December 2012 - 11:06 PM

Woman goes to the Police " I have just been raped " !!! Policeman " okay mam who was it " ? Woman " local council worker " !! Policeman " what makes you say that " ? Woman " I had to do all the work " !!! :lol:

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#17 ghand

Drunken lampposts only

9,215 posts

Gender:Male
Location:St helens merseyside
Interests:Whisky.Keeping reptiles.Cars.
The odd bike ride, fell walk and weights
Oh and more whisky

Posted 05 December 2012 - 11:10 PM

Woman goes to the Police " I have just been raped " !!!
Policeman " okay mam who was it " ?
Woman " local council worker " !!
Policeman " what makes you say that " ?
Woman " I had to do all the work " !!!

Nelly did you hear about the skeleton who went to the bar and asked for a pint of beer and a mop :lol:

see I am on the scotch :lol:

.

Edited by ghand, 05 December 2012 - 11:19 PM.

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#18 Nelly Vx

3/3 Of a Queen

5,928 posts

Gender:Male
Location:north wales

Posted 05 December 2012 - 11:25 PM

Took the wife to a disco last weekend There was a guy there giving it large on the dance floor Backflips , breakdancing moon walks the works !! As I sat quietly having a few beers the misses turned to Me and said do you know that guy proposed to me twenty five years ago and I turned him down for you ya miserable sod !!! I replied ............... Looks like he's still celebrating !! :lol:

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#19 ghand

Drunken lampposts only

9,215 posts

Gender:Male
Location:St helens merseyside
Interests:Whisky.Keeping reptiles.Cars.
The odd bike ride, fell walk and weights
Oh and more whisky

Posted 05 December 2012 - 11:36 PM

" its a boy " I shouted " A boy , I don't believe it, its a boy " and with tears steaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel :lol:

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#20 ghand

Drunken lampposts only

9,215 posts

Gender:Male
Location:St helens merseyside
Interests:Whisky.Keeping reptiles.Cars.
The odd bike ride, fell walk and weights
Oh and more whisky

Posted 05 December 2012 - 11:44 PM

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my misses walking down the aisle towards me.My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was,stood beside me.I gave her a wink and said "get that fcuking trolley over here ,they're doing 3 cases of Stella for the price of 2 :lol: