39 replies to this topic

[ghand]

Ok it can get a lot worse I was in B & Q and there was a sign that read ' Stainless steel sinks ' And I thought , Yes I know ..... Ok no more I promise unless by popular request

[Rickwoo118]

Took the wife to a disco last weekend
There was a guy there giving it large on the dance floor
Backflips , breakdancing moon walks the works !!
As I sat quietly having a few beers the misses turned to
Me and said do you know that guy proposed to me twenty five years ago and I turned him down for you ya miserable sod !!!
I replied ............... Looks like he's still celebrating !! :lol:/>

Nice one!,

[Silent Steve]

Q. What is blue and f**ks 17 year old girls?

[Silent Steve]

A. Me! In my lucky blue suit.

[ghand]

When I was a kid, if I had a sore throat I was given a Hall's soother to suck on. My uncle Stuart kept them in his trousers

[StealthVXT]

Ok it can get a lot worse


I was in B & Q and there was a sign that read ' Stainless steel sinks '

And I thought , Yes I know .....



Ok no more I promise unless by popular request

Have you heard about the B&Q SCAM?

A guy came up to me in a Orange shirt and asked me if I wanted decking...

Luckily I got the first punch in but others might not be so lucky!

[StealthVXT]

Some bar jokes... A panda walks into a bar and says "I will have a............................................................. Beer please and the barman says "why the big pause" Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted A brain and a jump lead walk into the bar and the barman says "Get out! your out of your skull and your bound to start something" OK I will stop now...

[smiley]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy area. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 quid?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the £50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[smiley]

An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up. The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

[smiley]

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cosy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy. Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever dog.

[smiley]

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'. The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ? 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'. "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti? 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed.' 'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that, but you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four months vacation and five good leads.

[KurtVerbose]

Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small cocks?" Girl says "I don’t think it’s in yet" He replies "Yeah, that’s the one."

[TheRealVXed]

A boy walks into his parents bedroom while they are in full swing, asking them what they are doing, the jump apart and say "We are trying to make you a little brother or sister". The kid replies "Oh. Do her doggy style. I want a puppy"

[hairy]

Went to the local pub and found myself drinking with a woman of 61 years old. She was in pretty good shape given her age and kept coming on to me. I was getting somewhat excited when she asked ' Have you ever had a Sportsman's Double?' 'What's one of those?' I asked, eagerly. 'Mother and daughter threesome.' My imagination went wild and I quickly replied 'I'm game for some of that'.. She said 'Tonight's your lucky night.' We went back to her place, she switched on the light and shouted upstairs, 'Mum, are you still awake?'

[hairy]

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

 

Would you pay to have a lentil on you chest?

[smiley]

Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Color of hair? Husband: Changes a couple of times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my truck. Sergeant: What kind of truck was it? Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with a 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trail-ring package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting. At this point the husband started choking up. . . . Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck!

[KurtVerbose]

Dr Butt discovered a new disease.

 

I know this because I was told I definitely had acute butt.

[hairy]

In the dressing room, after meeting in the finals, Venus gives Sharapova some advice.......... Venus – I’m a bit worried about the drugs you are taking. Sharapova – Nothing to worry about, I can handle it. Venus – But look what they did to me, I have muscles where I never used to have them. Sharapova – You are a strong athlete Venus, nothing wrong with a bit of strength in your game. Venus- But I’m starting starting to get hair where I haven’t had hair before. Sharapova - It’s OK, Lots of women have facial hair. Venus – It’s not that Maria....I mean........look at my b**ls.......they’re covered !

[hairy]

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into ASDA for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. It's happened to me personally. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift home. You agree and they both get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing and both get completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you. While you are distracted, the other one steals your wallet! I had my wallet stolen on March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also February 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th, twice yesterday and very likely again this coming weekend. P.S. Tesco's have wallets on sale for £1.99 each but ASDA are £1.75 and look better"

[Mangham54]

Which Asda as I am need of a new wallet?

Edited by Mangham54, 06 April 2016 - 06:15 PM.