87 replies to this topic

[WILE-COYOTE]

But I understood .. smacks of the kings cloths this does.. To mean .. smacks of the Emperors new cloths this does.. Just thought you were being clever But as for none returning bricks

[Foxy]

I think he probably meant 'clothes'

[Purebob]

Now I have a faint memory of this and IIRC it was 'CLEVER' rather than funny...but I'm stuffed if I can remeber why ! Senility I guess ! I don;t get clever jokes much. I like rude jokes and kids jokes. Example Q " why are Pirates evil?" A " because they ARRRRRRRRRRE jim lad"

[JimH]

Q. What's orange and can't get through a revolving door? A. Judith Chalmers with a javelin through her neck. Far funnier.

[TonyKL]

What do you call a Donkey with only 3 legs? A Wonkey

[LazyDonkey]

Meant to tell you my joke but ended up having to wrap chrimbo pressies instead will try and do it today ......work may get in the way though !

[Tony_M]

and it landed in the swimming pool ??

Humm...but he didn't say it couldn't swim.

Bricks can't swim they are well bricks...

[JimH]

What do you call a Donkey with only 3 legs?

A Wonkey

Not bad but a bit "I'll save that one for when the vicar pops round for tea".

Q. What is black and white and red all over?

A. A nun on a meat hook.

[Foxy]

and it landed in the swimming pool ??

Humm...but he didn't say it couldn't swim.

Bricks can't swim they are well bricks...

They can't fcuking fly either!!!

[Paul.Stuhlfelder]

This is a long winded joke, and for some reason, as sh*t as it is, always gets laughter from a pissed up group. One day the Circus came to town, The whole town came out to watch, including the "Village Idiot." Everyone was gathered round in a large circle.... Suddenly, a clown jumps out and starts running around the croud shouting - "I'm looking for a donkey in a costume!" He runs around the croud - "Are YOU the donkey?" to which everyone replies "No" in turn. The clown comes to the Village Idiot and stops dead in his tracks, he turns to him - "Hey hey!! Are you the donkey's Head?" The Village idiot looks in awe, "duh.... no." The clown asks, "Are you the donkey's body?" Again, in awe, "uhhh don't fink so......." The clown laughs, "THAT MUST MEAN, YOU MUST BE.... THE DONKEY'S ARSE!" The crowd roars in laughter, the village idiot really feels this, everyone is looking, pointing laughing, some old dear has even pissed herself. He decideds that this must be a turning point in his life, he must do somethign with his life. The very next day he visits the Library, he starts reading, he goes back to school, goes to University, gains a degree, masters and PHD, he starts his own business and becomes immensly successful, he marries a world famous supermodel, and has plenty of kids, all in all, life he must admit, is bloody well good. 20 years later, the very same circus returns to town, by now its common knowledge that the clown incident had prompted the village idiots campaign of supremacy. He is stood there, in the same position again, the whole town has turned out just for this occasion. The clown jumps out, the crowd cheers, unknown to the clown, not for him, but for the fact that the idiot is waiting. The clown goes into his routine, starts running through the crowd, when all of a sudden, he spots a familiar looking face, but its different, its suited and booted, nevertheless ge goes in for the kill. "Heeeeey! Are you the Donkeys head?" The crowd goes silent, everyone leans in slightly..... "pppft, no." "Are you the donkeys body then...?" A slight murmur from the crowd, as yet again they lean in closer... "Do I look like one? No." This is it, he's been waiting for it, and the crowd have been waiting for it..... "That must mean... " A gasp from the audience, the little old ladie who pissed herself last time collapses, people hold onto eachother tight, lean in closely for the kill... This is his moment, this is what EVERYTHING is about, this is his moment to shine.... "your the donkeys Ass!" everything spins through his mind, the last 20 years.... "yeah..... well........ f..ff fcuk you." I also have a gorilla joke that takes good memory and a fast tongue, but I can't be arsed typing for the rest of the day now.

[CustardTart]

LOL!!!!!! I still want to know about this damn brick!! Jules, spill it.........PLEASE!!!!!!

[pippyt]

DAM IT PLEASE TELL US please?

[Crusoe]

"George Best has left 2 Million to his son Callum, so long as he returns the 4 million bottle lids."

They also figured out that cremating George Best at Hemel Hempstead wasn't such a good idea.

[hairy]

Dan is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak: * My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses." * My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end." * My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre." * "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river." The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Don slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all that property". Sarah replies, “Property? …. The old fool had a paper round!"

[fiveoclock]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:12px;background-color:rgb(237,240,247);]Salesman knocks on a door - its opened by a ten-year-old kid. He's wearing a cocktail dress, feather boa, high heels, and tiara. His face is fully made up: mascara, lipstick, eyeliner, the lot. In his left hand he has a martini, in his right a cigarette.[/color]
[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:12px;background-color:rgb(237,240,247);]Salesman asks: "Is your mum home?"[/color]
[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:12px;background-color:rgb(237,240,247);]The kid looks down at himself, then says "What the fcuk do you think?"[/color]

[hairy]

A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME IDIOT DRIVER!!!"

"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.

"Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

"Ha! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, "MY ROLEX!"

[jules_s]

So A chap loses his job, has no house or car but was given £1,000 redundancy He's sitting in a London cafe reading a newspaper whilst eating a full English. He spots an article about a monkey which was being shipped Glasgow > London but was lost in transit. A notable £1m is being offered for the return of the monkey to Glasgow Looking up he sees a monkey doing cartwheels down the street. He drops everything and runs after the monkey. O. Capturing if he sees it has the correct tags etc and he starts dreaming of the £1m He gets a rack to the airport and buys s ticket leaving himself £100 out of his redundancy. Since he's been so hard up he decides to treat himself with the remaining 100. So he buys a nice bottle of scotch and a cigar On boarding the plane the stuardess spots the monkey and tells he it can't come on the plane. 'No problem, he thinks I'll just shove it up my jumper Once in the air he decides to open the Scotch and take a well deserved drink. He's on his second when the stewardess spots him and says he can't Demi his own alcohol on the plane. She therefore opens the window and throws the bottle out Somewhat miffed the vent decides to spark up his cigar. Several drags later the stewardess comes over and tells him he can't smoke on the plane. Once again she opens the window and throws the cigar out 'Thank god I've still got the monkey' he thinks - patting his stomach Meanwhile the seatbelt signs come on for the descent and the monkey starts getting agitated - again drawing the attention of the stewardess. She opens the window and out goes the monkey this time At this point the chap is in tears destraught. No redundancy, no monkey, no cigar and no skotch The stewardess has to usher him for the plane as he is a broken man... Walking down the plane steps he hears 'Oooo ooo hoo ooo' (best monkey impression) and he turns round to see the monkey sat on the tail plane Now crying with joy he runs towards the monkey and his delight rises The monkey has his bottle of scotch in one hand, the cigar in his mouth but.... What is the monkey holding in his other hand?

[Sutol]

oh ffs!

[Ali87]

I don't get it 😳

[hairy]

oh ffs!

 

I can't believe Jules waited ten years to give us the punchline!